I know I’ve babbled on about a handful of things here, from the fact that I’m a tool to some no-question-about-it bathroom humor. However, I keep coming back to the thing that started this whole blog in the first place: my goatee, or lack thereof. (You know you love it.)
As an update, I am still rockin’ the smooth chin (as much as someone wary of the person in the mirror can be rockin' a look), and I plan on waiting at least until the end of the summer to commence the re-growth. That said, some of you have asked me how people are reacting to the new look, and I’m going to tell you. So what follows is the breakdown of the reactions I have gathered through very rigorous and scientific polling.
Women
Women are split almost evenly, with approximately 52.428% preferring the clean-shaven Abs to the one with the goatee. Interestingly and surprisingly to me, the majority of these women can pretty much be broken down into two camps:
Camp 1: Married women I have known for a few years and women dating my good guy friends
These women almost unanimously preferred the goatee. They offered only a small variation when explaining their preferences. Many of them claimed that they liked goatees in general, but not on their husband/boyfriend/significant other. "It looks good on you, though. Natural." Draw your own conclusions from that.
Camp 2: Single women and women who have only known me for a short while
These women almost unanimously preferred the clean-shaven Abs. While they agreed that they liked it better, they made widely varying comments:
- “You have beautiful eyes. Not having the goatee makes them much more noticeable.” I don’t even know how to respond to that. How my eyes are related to my goatee, I’ll never know. And no, I’m not making it up. The chick who said it might be crazy, though.
- "I like it. It opens up your face more.” I still don’t know what it means, but at least it doesn’t sound crazy.
- “How did you get that scar on your upper lip?” I notice that thing all the time now, too. While it’s really not very big or coolly grotesque, it seems to dominate my face after having not seen it for 7.5 years. For the record, I got hit in the face with the blade of a shovel.
- "You look more intellectual with the goatee, but I like this look better." I had to report this because I think it's only the third time in my life that I've been accused of anything intellectual. Apparently this girl likes dumb-looking guys.
- “Damn! You are sexy. Mmmmm mmm mm!” OK, fine. That was in one of my dreams, but it sounds so much better than those other things that people actually said.
Since we're being scientific here, I would be remiss if I didn’t mention two outliers. One was a single girl I haven’t known for long who is not dating a friend of mine. She had “no opinion whatsoever.” The other is my mom, who hasn’t seen me since I shaved off the goat, but she “never liked it in the first place.” She hasn't told me that she's sure she'd have a daughter-in-law and grandchildren by now if I hadn't had the goat, but I'm sure she's thought it. Apparently, most things I do are part of a big conspiracy centered around depriving her of her natural right to grandchildren. I'm sure she would love to see my brother and me have kids so she could secretly teach them how to be major pains in the ass like we were. But I digress. Moving right along in the poll results brings us to ...
Men
98.5% of men surveyed had no idea that the goatee was gone until they were told.
Of the 1.5% of men who noticed, 67% didn’t give a shit one way or the other. The other 33% thought, “Why not?Change things up a little.” Even my bestest buddy pal could only look at me in wonder and say things like, “Wow. You sure do look different.” And he knew me for 8 or 9 years before I grew the thing. So there's not a lot of useful info to deal with here. Shocking.
With all of those different categories, there is still one person who doesn’t quite fit in anywhere, and it’s not just because I'm confused about where to file responses from pretty boys like him. No, the reason is that he has been lobbying for the goatee exorcism for quite a while. “The goatee’s not working. You need to get rid of it. Women will like it better if you’re clean-shaven.” (He's big on what's "working" and what's not. See Pretty Boy v. I'm just Abs, 1998.) He claimed a victory when I finally shaved it off. He would further like to claim that a preponderance of evidence has cropped up supporting his theories since The Week That Things Changed. However, there haven’t been any significant changes in that regard, and I’m just not buying that it makes much of a difference until there are. Besides, we just can’t let him get a big head. Also, scientifically, I'm supposed to mention these statistical outliers. Mention them, but disregard them. It should be enough for him that he’s pretty.
I'm not looking to draw any conclusions here, as I don't think I need to do a lot of polling of all these people when deciding what to do with my face. I just wanted to pass on the data to those of you who have been wondering about the reaction of the populace.
Have a great Independence Day.
6 comments:
After reading your Pretty Boy comments, I would give a testicle right now (though I get to pick the testicle) if I had my camera to take & email you a picture of his outfit today, or more specifically, The Shirt. No kidding.
It's 50% Gay Paris (in a non-homo way) and 50% mariachi shakers with a rose in his teeth. Fortunately, he's ruined it with the jeans and Prep belt, or I would have to drive home for the camera. He also has the Don Johnson stubble going today that I envy so much.
I mean, he's making a statement today, and it isn't "Let's buckle down for a productive day at the office", I can tell you that.
Thanks for the laughs!
I would recommend you just go to a full beard like mine, stategically shaved at the neck and under the lower lip. It gives a more professorial look, which I have found always attracts the women worth keeping.
Abs, i have good news! Your goat isn't gone, it's just missing, and now it's growing on *my* face. It's safe for the time being, and you can come pick it up whenever it's convenient.
I'm pretty sure it's yours, because going back, I think i shaved mine right around the same time you started growing yours.
But if I grew one when you shaved one, doesn't that really make it your goatee? Or are you thinking it's mine because I had it longer?
And who the hell is this anyway?
Post pictures!!! I can't judge until I see it (or the lack of it) firsthand.
Here's the insight into the girls comments: Married or unavailable women don't have to make out with you so they like the goatee. Single women think of the potential beardburn when they look at facial hair. That may be the difference.
The biggest reason to keep a goatee is to hide the non-existent chin. So, the real question is whether or not you have a good chin.
I never said I did not like your goatee. You are right though, I didn't say I liked it either. It did make you look older which was good for someone who still looked like a teenager in his 20s. Now that you are in your 30s you may not need it any longer.
Yes, my number one goal in life is to get my sons married off. Maybe not married off, but to find someone/something to love before I die. At the rate I am going, it may be soon. I would love to have grandchildren of my own, but I think that is a lost cause. I will have to live vicariously through my friends' grandchildren. :) I guess golfclubs are the closest thing I will get to grandchildren from Michael. :)
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