The Chronicles on the Silver Screen

Have you ever wondered what the movie of your life would be like? Maybe it's because of the disturbing number of ways in which movies infiltrate and influence my life, but the topic crosses my mind from time to time.

For the most part, I think the movie would be colossally boring, with some nondescript-looking actor spending his days in front of a computer, then spending his non-working hours doing and saying things about which nuns and priests in Catholic schools would at best cluck disapprovingly at and at worst mount entire lectures and tirades against. Sure, the disapproval of the Penguin was a brilliant artifice in The Blues Brothers, but it has no part in the movie of my life. I never went to that type of school in the first place, and I certainly couldn't put up with those types of lectures. Maybe back in the day, but not now. The closest I came to a penguin with a ruler was an Algebra and Trig teacher called Sarge who hit people with her gradebook for sport. But I digress. It might be a boring movie, but it probably wouldn't be short on slapstick or sophomoric humor. Not much romance or drama, though.

The most obvious question when thinking about the movie of your life is who would play you. Truth be told, I have no idea. The way I described the role above, Paul Giamatti seems like the obvious choice, mainly because of the roles he's played in the past. I'm sure some of you might have suggestions, but I've never been big on making the connection between celebrities and real people. My roommate is big on it, though. Recently, a friend wanted to set me up on a blind date with a friend of hers. I said, "Sure, why not?" My roommate was not willing to accede so easily. "Wait a minute. What does she look like?" he asked. The setter struggled a bit, as I often do when asked to describe the looks of a good friend. The roomie was persistent: "C'mon. You gotta give me something. What celebrity does she most closely resemble?" He never got an answer, but it occurred to me that I wouldn't have thought to ask that question. Maybe it's because I can never figure out who I look like or who would play me. It was easy when I was in my early teens. It was definitely Jerry O'Connell. But only in his years as Vern in Stand by Me. He was perfect for the part of Abs back then: chubby, buzz-cut, clumsy. We each looked a lot like a Monchichi without the thumb-sucking. Today, we both look different. He's all grown up. Some girls find him a bit dreamy (ever since his re-ermegence in Scream 2), and he's dating a friggin' supermodel. As for me, I'm different, too. My hair is longer, and I don't hesitate to suck my thumb.

Seriously, though, I don't typically get too caught up in who would play me in the movie. I do sometimes get caught up in the soundtrack. I don't remember exactly when, but I remember randomly making the following statement sometime during my college years: "When I'm getting out of my car and walking across the street in movies, you know what song is playing? Smooth Operator." That's right, I picked a song by Sade for the interlude music. Of course, in my movie, they might indeed use that song, only to have it interrupted with a record-scratching lurch as I tripped over a curb, then angrily turned around to snap my fingers and point at the offending piece of concrete, ordering "Have that removed!" to no one in particular.

Still, I often find myself wondering at odd moments what song ought to be playing. I remember thinking that Old School did such a great job with Frank's music, just using different parts of that Whitesnake song to back scenes with different moods. And there is the fundamental problem with me thinking about what song is appropriate for one of my life's scenes: "that Whitesnake song." Obviously, I don't know that much music. Sure, I'm familiar with a lot of songs, but I'm not intimate with them. I don't have the proverbial equivalent of a wine rack: "Ah, jaunty, funny... lessee ... how about Jupiter Coyote from 1991? Crazy Women? An excellent choice." I can't conjure a title to fit a mood or a situation to save my life. This scene, right now, has a jazz feeling to it, maybe something by the Horace Silver Quintet, but I have no idea which one, and I don't really know why. For the most part, whoever played me would just be sitting here looking at the screen, alternately typing furiously, then backspacing at least as furiously. Like I said, it would be a pretty boring movie. Maybe Limp Bizkit would be hollering Break Stuff when I played golf, although the constant beeping over my profanity-laced tirades might get lost with something that loud going on. (Incidentally, one of my favorite audio scenes is in Austin Powers: The Spy Who Shagged Me when Dr. Evil goes absolutely nuts on Jerry Springer. All those beeps are hilarious.)

To have a good soundtrack, it seems I ought to have a theme song. I used to think that I Am a Man of Constant Sorrow would be good, in a quasi-ironic sort of way, but that's a bit dramatic, really. Besides, it was already done in O Brother, Where Art Thou? During a somewhat bitter period, I thought my theme song was the Ben Folds Five's Song for the Dumped. And it was both appropriate and funny at the time. But it has no staying power. These days, I don't really have one. Maybe you have some suggestions. I'd like to hear them (I think).

Some movie this will be. I can't come up with an actor for the lead role or even a theme song. Maybe I'll just stick with Smooth Operator. Maybe what my life's movie really needs is a producer. To hell with the movie -- I could probably put one to work in the real thing.