Cell phones can do anything these days

I was thoroughly cussing my inept cell phone the other day because of how temperamental it has become. At this point, I'm pretty much paying Verizon Wireless for the ability to regularly drop calls and recharge my cell phone battery twice a day. It's not really Verizon's fault. I don't think their service has degraded over time. It's just that my phone is two years old, and the abuse it has taken in those two years has rendered it less useful. Something's wrong with the radio in it, and it just can't hold a signal, even when I'm sitting perfectly still. If I don't have a full-strength signal, the call WILL be dropped. Plus, the fact that it can't hold a signal means that it frequently has to go searching for one. That wears out the battery big time. So it's recharge, talk, drop call, curse. Rinse and repeat. Blah.

Obviously, I could (and should) get a new phone. However, my company is allegedly going to take over paying for my service and provide me with a new phone. It's pretty hard for me to pass that up, but I'm stuck waiting for the paperwork to go through whomever it has to go through to get a new phone. But I'm still thinking eliminating the cell phone bill is worth enduring this frustrating period of quasi-functionality. Besides, the text messaging still works pretty well. Once this goes through, I'll get to work on trying to get the company to pay my cable bill. That would be a major victory.

Anyway, that's not even the point. All of this frustration got me thinking about all the features that cell phones have these days. My first cell phone was an analog Motorola StarTac. It was a sweet little phone. Actually, I reckon it's anything but little by today's standards. And I only had 90 minutes of month on my plan. And no voice mail. So it was pretty much for emergency use only. And it's bland feature set makes it seem not so sweet in retrospect. At the time, though, my inner gadget geek reveled in its cachet.

Since then, my phones have gotten more and more useful. First, there was the jump to 300 minutes per month. Then 400. Then 400 plus free nights and weekends. Then, they added IN-network minutes for free. Somewhere in there, I got the text messaging action. (I don't know how I ever met up with people in a bar before I had the text action.) Also, my phone had things like distinctive rings and voice dialing and voice notes and a calendar and a calculator and a seemingly tautological tip calculator. That little gadget has lots of things going on these days.

But my favorite cell phone feature by far is one that I've only seen in action one time. Actually, I just heard it in action. I was at a wedding in the DC area when I witnessed it. Toward the end of the dinner at the reception, I excused myself to go to the restroom. As I was washing my hands, a guy came in with a cell phone pressed to his ear. I thought that was a bit odd. I mean, I can't imagine needing to talk on the phone in the restroom. I suppose it's not a particularly loud place, and that might be a good thing when talking on the phone or, more to the point, listening on one. However, it just seems like something one doesn't do in there. That's just me, though. We all have our ideas about what one does and doesn't do. To each his own, I suppose.

This guy wasn't saying anything as he came into the restroom, though. So I thought maybe he was checking his messages. Maybe it was for an important call. Maybe he needed to know whether his pet crocodile had survived the emergency surgery attempting to extricate his girlfriend's cat from the croc's stomach. That would be an important message. Maybe he was checking to see if he got that callback for some infomercial role. I don't really know, and I stopped thinking about it as I saw his mirror image close the door to a stall. I'm sure I could have continued to come up with ideas as to the uses of the phone at that point (for instance, maybe he's a toilet reader and opted to surf the wireless web in the absence of a newspaper or magazine), but I let it go.

All of that happened very quickly, of course, and I moved over to grab a paper towel to dry my hands. And that's when it happened. I heard beeping noises, surprisingly clearly, coming from the cell phone guy's stall: "Beep boop bop." I was taken aback for a second, but then I realized he was just probably doing the voicemail thing. But I was very wrong.

It happened again: "Bop beep boop." But this time it was followed by another sound, this one not likely coming from the phone: "Thbbppt."

I was taken a bit aback. My eyes sprang wide open and my eyebrows attempted to merge with my hairline. Sure that's a standard, if potentially embarrassing, bathroom noise, but I had never heard it on the heels of phone digit beeps. "Just a coincidence," I thought. "I should head back to my table."

As I reached for the door handle, "Bop boop bap beep ... thbbbppppttttt."

That's right. It happened again. I started to grin and suppressed an admittedly sophomoric giggle. "What's going on in there?" I wondered. It was too weird to describe.

I reached out again and started to pull the door open. "Bap bop beep boop beep bap ... thhhhhhbbbbbppppbpbpttttttt."

Hand clenched over my mouth, I darted out of the restroom. Once I was out of earshot, I sat down on a bench in the hallway, laughing hysterically. A couple of people asked what was so funny, but I couldn't begin to explain it to them.

If anyone else has encountered this cell phone service, please let me know. It's so advanced, and I want to know how it works. I can only assume that it's very useful for those who are trapped in public places without the benefit of a laxative or at least some good roughage. Next time it happens to you, check with your wireless provider. Maybe they have the rare Dial-a-Turd feature.