Strange Brains Indeed

Back in the day, Lawton and I used to sit around and babble back and forth, usually while tossing a ball around the house, sometimes for hours on end, and come up with strange ideas to entertain ourselves. We were absolutely babbling, but we loved it. I don’t think anyone else thought we were especially funny or entertaining, but we usually made ourselves laugh quite a bit. These days, we live about 4 hours away from each other, seriously diminishing our face-to-face riff time. While we can’t throw the ball around very often from that distance, we do get going every once in a while on IM. We recently had just that type of exchange. I recognize that this may fall under the category of things that only amuse me, but I’ve gone ahead and included the exchange for your reading pleasure. If you are a movie producer who likes the idea, have at it. Just give us our props when you do.

If you think you’re likely to be offended by this post, by all means stop reading. If you read it and end up offended by it … I don’t know what to tell you. Bummer. You should know that we are almost never serious, though, except for the part about not liking Notre Dame.

If you’re disturbed by it, then you’re probably normal or something.

[The screen names have been changed, and some of the more glaring typos have been fixed. The times next to each line are a running clock from the beginning of our IM chat. Other than that, this is our actual conversation in all its raw, unvarnished, and somewhat offensive glory (or ignominy – I can’t really decide).]

Session Start (abs:lawton): [00:00]
[00:00 – 00:22] [Warm up period, edited for time.]
[00:23] abs: btw, i was able to get the pti podcast from yesterday. it was available around 9 last night. but not at 8.
[00:24] lawton: hmm... that's better. same day service is the key for next day listening.
[00:24] abs: yes. i think so. it does makes sense that they didn't have podcasts for the shows that never happened on thursday and friday last week.
[00:25] lawton: yes. i wonder why all i heard about is a two day lag. that would be worthless.
[00:26] abs: indeed it would. i was quite happy to get it last night. it did make the drive a little better this morning.
[00:27] lawton: wilbon gets pretty fired up about notre dame, doesn't he? he wouldn't move off it.
[00:28] abs: no, he wouldn't. he was pissed.
[00:28] lawton: i think it's a chicago thing. you're either for Michigan or ND. Fetus was a ND lover and had the whole spin on the Michigan fight song:
[00:28] abs: ohio state has lots of those michigan fight song take-offs.
[00:28] lawton: Hail to the mother fuckers! Hail to those cheap cocksuckers! Hail, hail to Michigan... the assholes of the world!
[00:28] abs: nice.
[00:29] lawton: he would sing that shit all the time. it drove me nuts, but every time i hear the fight song...that's what comes to mind.
[00:29] abs: i haven't liked ND since high school. but i don't care enough to hate them.
[00:29] lawton: i've got no real beef with them. they had no justification for firing Willingham, but i see no other reason to hate.
[00:30] abs: agreed. i just don't like them. probably because catholics everywhere root for them for no apparent reason.
[00:31] lawton: i suppose i can buy that. transference of general irritation of a populace to an object that can be actively monitored and disliked. i shall dislike them too. now, if we had enough lions...
[00:32] abs: yes. never enough lions when you need them. you always hear about them taking on christians, but you never actually see it.
[00:33] lawton: if the cliché involved jews, then you'd see al qaeda and hezbollah getting away from suicide bombers and rocket attacks, and going more towards strategic lion releases.
[00:34] abs: probably true.
[00:35] lawton: but with christians, it can't get to that level... more generalized seething, but not massive enough for satisfaction. they merit plane attacks, nuclear (or nukular), and biological attacks.
[00:37] lawton: i like the concept of a strategic lion release. instead of some fool driving around in an explosive-laden truck, instead you see them in a taxi, with a lion in the back seat. much more comical. especially at the point of release. the lion will either run out angry or yawn and lay down for a nap.
[00:38] abs: it would make for a good video. pretty funny. sometimes there would be terror, sometimes the terrorist would get mauled, and sometimes the lion would just sit there.
[00:39] abs: homeland security would come in with agents wielding whips and chairs.
[00:39] lawton: ha!
[00:39] abs: and then there would be an investigative back story showing how the lions were smuggled in.
[00:40] abs: maybe shady-looking people with ridiculously huge jackets draped over lion cages.
[00:40] abs: i mean like parachute-sized jackets.
[00:41] lawton: yeah, or sedated lions wearing ridiculously shabby camel or donkey suits.
[00:41] abs: that would be good, too. probably both. the evolution of lion smuggling. obviously, the parachute jackets wouldn't work, and those guys would get arrested.
[00:42] abs: you could see them being interrogated, first denying all knowledge, then denying that it's a lion, then finally breaking and admitting it.
[00:43] abs: the interrogators would be at a complete loss to explain the lions, but it would spur homeland security to get $4.3 billion to create the secret lion tamer program that trains the lion tamers who show up to battle the lions when they're released.
[00:43] abs: total documentary style. start with the release. then work backward.
[00:45] lawton: the successful capture and interrogation does one more thing that saves the Bush administration... and just in time for the mid-term elections. if one lion were to be released into a catholic church during mass... you've got a WMD.
[00:46] abs: nice. the administration would do a black bag op to threaten to release a lion in the vatican if certain officials aren't elected.
[00:49] lawton: i'm not sure the vatican could defend. the swiss guard may have fancy pants and swords, but a lion would chew that ass right up. all the officials are old dudes who could never outrun a lion. if you could get it over the wall... it's all over. I'm picturing a lion wearing a parachute and being catapulted over the wall. He would definitely feel like chewing some ass if he were catapulted over a wall.
[00:49] abs: lmao! that's excellent!
[00:51] lawton: the only problem i foresee is entanglement in the chute. you'd hate to send over such a potent weapon only to have it capture itself. unless it had detachable shrouds, it would need some other type of descent method. A couple hundred helium balloons or such.
[00:52] abs: i was thinking one of those stunt landing pads. you somehow attach it under the lion and then inflate it right after launching the whole thing from the catapult.
[00:53] abs: in typical terrorist style, you would use your cell phone as a remote to activate it.
[00:53] lawton: that's it! like the mars pathfinder. plus it would then roll when it hits the ground to really agitate the lion.
[00:54] abs: exactly.
[00:55] abs: they'd try to do a simultaneous lion launch to increase the efficacy of the attack, but some calls wouldn't go through, meaning that there would be some lion loss.
[00:56] abs: and the commentators would all talk about how effective the attack could have been if it had all work, leaving people at home shaking their heads and thinking, "those bumbling terrorists!"
[00:57] lawton: yes... it just wouldn't do if it were one lion. they certainly are all about scaling up. some would be apprehended building catapults outside the vatican walls, sending everyone into high alert. so now you've got lions in large coats and a terrorist trying to conceal a catapult inside something like a bucket truck.
[00:59] abs: yes. so maybe they are able to launch 20% of the overall planned lion launch.
[01:00] abs: btw, did you notice how we are both tasteful enough to avoid talking about the cat-apult pun?
[01:00] abs: i'm proud of us.
[01:00] lawton: yes, very tempting. but such low hanging fruit. i irritated myself for going for WMD.
[01:01] abs: hmm. i wish someone other than us had come up with this idea. someone who would have the good sense to make it into a mockumentary.
[01:02] lawton: the ideal choice is matt stone and trey parker, but it would have to be goofily animated. it would detract from the overall beauty. maybe a kevin smith could pull it off.
[01:02] abs: maybe. i think it would have to be animated. because you can't go hurting lions.
[01:03] abs: people will get mad, although probably not the notre dame fans.
[01:03] lawton: yes, bastards. animated and mockumentary do go well together, but not in the south park style. it needs to be more crisp.
[01:04] abs: i agree. the south park style wouldn't work. it would definitely be cooler as a live action thing, but i just don't see how it would work.
[01:05] lawton: pixar/disney would never touch it, but that style could work. it would show a darker side of cgi.
[01:05] abs: i like that idea. sigh.
[01:06] abs: you do realize that we got here by talking about ND, right?
[01:06] lawton: yes. i also realize this is what makes us writers, but never producers.
[01:06] abs: true. someone could figure out how to make it work.
[01:07] abs: why isn't someone paying us for this idea?
[01:08] lawton: we need representation. think about the clearinghouse of profitable ideas we have intellectual property of: the midget periscope, the cock sock, the lion/vatican mockumentary, etc.
[01:08] abs: it's true. we're sitting on a gold mine if we can get hooked up with the right actualization specialist.
[01:08] abs: and i had forgotten about the cock sock.
[01:09] abs: marvelous.
[01:09] lawton: we would want to farm that out to a shell company... that would detract from our desired audience.
[01:09] lawton: brb
[01:09] abs: k
[01:25] lawton: back now
[01:25] abs: cool. me too.
[01:25] lawton: though, i'm thinking about grabbing some eats
[01:25] abs: yes. good idea. i just ate.
[01:25] lawton: will be back later
[01:25] abs: cool. e.
[01:25] lawton: e
Session Close (lawton): [01:25]

No lions or people were harmed in the making of this chat session or blog post.