Help or Hindrance?

Don posed an interesting question in the comments to my last post about my 2005 numbers. His question was whether shaving my goatee was a help or hindrance in achieving 2005's goals. It's a good question, but I'm not sure I can give a good answer. As far as breaking 90 goes, I think it's safe to say that my facial hair (or lack thereof) had little to no impact. Whether it influenced my ability to go on two dates with the same person is less clear. [Aside: I had to go back and edit the dating numbers. There is one girl whom I completely left out of the tabulation. However, it's really hard to be sure whether get-togethers with her were dates. So I counted them as half dates.] I've mentioned before that a certain Pretty Boy buddy of mine had lobbied for the goat exorcism long before I shaved it off. I also mentioned that he thought the sequence of events that occurred afterwards validated his claims.

In truth, there is some circumstantial evidence supporting his claim, starting with a surprise encounter with a smooth girl. Later, there was a girl who attempted to force her number on me in an attempt to strong-arm me into asking her out. Granted, that girl was annoying (but not the most annoying girl ever), but nothing like that ever happened when I had the goat. Then, there was the goal-achieving two dates. Finally -- and this is a confession for me, as I described this in the third person at the time -- there was the so-unsmooth-it's-smooth digit getting that actually resulted in 2+ more dates. You may be asking how this is circumstantial evidence. It's because while none of those happenings is a clear result of the removal of the goatee, none had happened while I had it. Heck, I hadn't been on two dates with the same person since ... let's just say it was a long time ago.

I'm afraid I can't give a lot of satisfaction on this question. But I think it's safe to say that the removal of the goatee didn't hurt me in the pursuit of my '05 goals. The debate as to whether I look better with or without the goat still rages, though. For the Pretty Boy (I know you're out there), don't think that because you may have been right in this case that I'm going to start wearing pink (no, salmon is not a color) silky shirts and product in my hair. Not gonna happen. Keep your potential gloating to yourself. But, if you were right -- and I'm not saying you were -- thanks.

2005 by the Numbers

Back at the beginning of the year, I threatened to write a post looking back at 2005. Well, now I'm delivering on that threat. I don't make a lot of new year's resolutions that I'm not going to keep. And I'm not big into setting a lot of goals. However, I did have two very specific goals for 2005: to break 90 on the golf course and to go on two dates with the same person. Some of you might think those are ridiculous goals, that I shouldn't be focused on golf, that there is NO WAY that any self-respecting girl would go out with me two times. And I thought of those things, too. But I set those as goals anyway. Besides, my goals didn't require that the girl have any self-respect.

With that rambling preamble out of the way, let's go to the numbers. First, the numbers related to

Golf
18-Hole Rounds (without losing my scorecard): 29
Lost Scorecards: 2
Scrambles: 3
9-Hole Rounds: More than 0, less than 15
[The following numbers are from my 29 18-Hole Rounds whose scorecards I didn't lose.]
Scores At or Over 100: 12
Scores Below 100: 17
Scores Below 95: 6
Scores Below 90: 1
Rounds That Would Have Been Below 90 if I Hadn't Inexplicably Carded an 8 on a Par 3: 1
Total Holes: 522
Bogeys: 165
Pars: 94
Birdies: 12
Eagles: 1
Greens in Regulation: 104
Putts: 1046

So I clearly met my first goal. In fact, I did it on July 28th. Sadly, I haven't done it since, but that doesn't in any way diminish the glory of having achieved that milestone. I know some of you don't give a rip about those numbers, but I have called golf my girlfriend before. So you'll just have to deal.

Knowing who often reads this blog, I'm sure that more of you will be interested in the numbers related to

Weddings
Weddings Attended: 2
Weddings in which I Was Part of the Wedding Party: 0
Wedding Gifts Bought: 1 [I'm still on the hook for the other]
Single Women Danced With: ~7
Married Women Danced With: ~15
People Impressed With My Dancing: ~50
People Disturbed By the Amount of Sweat Produced by Said Dancing: ~200
Hook-Ups Resulting from Impressive Dancing, Alcohol, and Alleged General Aphrodisiac Nature of Weddings: 0

Finally, what you've all been waiting for ... the numbers related to

Women/Dating
Phone Numbers Requested: 2
Phone Numbers Received: 3
Phone Numbers Forced Upon Me Even Though I Didn't Want Them: 1
Phone Numbers Called: 2
Girls Who Impressed Me With Their Smoothness: 1
Girls Asked Out: 4
Girls Who Laughed Upon Being Asked Out: 1
Girls Who Said "Maybe" in Response to Being Asked Out When They Really Meant "No:" 1
Girls Who Asked Me Out: 1
First Dates: 2.5 [It's arguable whether one was a date.]
Second Dates: 2.5 [Same business.]
Second Dates That Probably Shouldn't Have Happened, But I Did After All Have a Goal to Meet: 1
Third Dates: 1

There you have it. Those are the major numbers from 2005 for The Kid. For you scoffers out there, how ya like me now? I met both goals for 2005. In fact, I had them in the bag by July 28th. I considered just taking the rest of the year off, but I couldn't manage it. Besides, I wasn't quite sure how to make that happen. The suspended animation thing doesn't really seem to have gotten off the ground yet. And with all of those accomplishments, I still found time to shave my goatee (I still haven't grown it back), write my blog (really, a result of shaving the goat), win an NCAA tourney pool, and buy new golf clubs. I can only hope 2006 will be as successful. I'm still working on my goals for the year. If you have any ideas, I'd love to hear them. In the meantime, I'll be practicing my putting.

Be Glad You're Not Me

In case you didn't know it, I'm really not smart. I realize I've given you plenty of examples of that up to now, but allow me to give you my latest.

I had a big meeting scheduled for this morning, and I did a good job of getting up on time. That shouldn't really be noteworthy, but I don't do mornings very often. I brushed my teeth, shaved, showered, touched up the ironing on a shirt, got dressed, put on a tie (yes, it was that kind of meeting), grabbed my stuff, and headed into the office for my 6-hour meeting. Then, when I got here, there was a significant issue that had to be handled, and the guy who would normally take care of it wasn't in yet. So I ran around troubleshooting it and found that a piece of equipment was locked up. So I cycled the power on it. That's kind of a last resort option, but there was nothing else to do. At that point, the normal guy came in, and I breathlessly gave him a rundown before saying I had to scoot for my meeting. I was dreading walking in there late, as this was a fairly big meeting. Still, the morning's issue was definitely an emergency, and it had to get top priority. So I wasn't too, too worried about it. I got down to the meeting room to find it dark. And then it dawned on me: today is Wednesday. I'm sure you all know this, but it was important to me because my meeting is on Thursday.

Be glad you're not me. I hope your day has not included a rather large reminder that you're pretty dumb.

Rules of Commentary

Last night I was feeling a bit under the weather, and I would have been happy to hit the rack as early as 10:00 (which is unheard of for me). However, a buddy had come over to watch the Rose Bowl, and that kept me up until 1-ish. But boy am I glad he was over! That was one whale of a ballgame. It didn't especially matter to me who won (Texas did, in case you missed it), but I was glad to see such a barnburner. However, at one point, my buddy was obviously curious as to why I would yell at the commentators and producers in my TV. He clearly thinks they can't hear me. I'm sure they couldn't if we were watching his 13-incher. But he doesn't know that one of the benefits of having a Big Ass HDTV is that the commentators can hear what the TV owner says to them. The network execs and producers, too. (If you're one of the people mentioned here, you should try it. It's good times.)

But that's not the point right now. What is the point is that sports commentators often have me griping during games, and it's usually about very fixable mistakes. So I'm sorry for another venting session here, but please allow me to get off my chest the weight of what I consider a few rules of color commentary/production in TV sports.

• If you tell me what's in second, please tell me who's in first.
  
  Somehow I left this out when I first wrote this post, and it was really what got me going on this whole thing. Oops. I'm not really getting into an Abbott and Costello thing here. The point is that commentators are always saying things like, "This team has the second-highest scoring offense in the nation," or "That player is second in the conference in rebounding." What does that make you wonder? Who the hell is leading the way? It's so frustrating to have my curiosity piqued like that and not have it satisified. Don't be such a tease. You know the answer, so share it. If you don't know it, you can bet that whoever handed you that stat in the first place obviously knows the answer. If you just ask the question on air, the stats guy will give you the answer tout-de-friggin'-suite. Don't settle for "It says here ..." Once you're down to third place, I don't mind not listing the front-runners, but don't leave me hanging when there's only one more person or team to name.
  
  
• If you're going to tell me about how good a team's offense is, you must at least mention their defense, too.
  
  The first half of the Rose Bowl seemed like a bit of defensive struggle. But that may only be because Dan Fouts said it was. Texas led 16 - 10 at the half, which isn't necessarily a low scoring game. Fouts kept saying that both teams averaged 50+ points per game on offense for the season. It's possible that he was dumbfounded by that number because it is ludicrous, but he needed to get over it because it's his job. Once he got over it, he needed to tell me how many points per game they allowed on defense. It would give me an idea as to whether both teams normally play good D, meaning that the relatively low scores might be expected. Besides, in pretty much any sport, it doesn't do a lot of good to score a lot of points if you let your opponent score more. Somebody make this happen.
  
  
• Don't try to stir up controversy when you look at a replay.
  
  If you think the refs missed a call when you see it live, say so. If you were wrong when you look at the replay, say so. If they were, just say they missed it. They will sometimes. But if the replay is inconclusive, say that, too. I don't hear people on TV say often enough, "Well, you just can't tell from the replay. The call should stand." The game can be exciting enough without you creating a controversy where none exists.
  
  
• Put your expertise into play at some point.
  
  Presumably, there is a reason you were hired to do color commentary. There are a lot of rules and a lot of strategies in most sports. I'm hoping your background puts you in a position to have uncommon insight into some of them. If not, learn some. One thing you might do is point out some subtlety of a rule or strategy that most people don't know. We could all become more knowledgeable fans this way.
  
  
• Talk about the game. This game.
  
  This is for Dickie V. more than anyone else. If I'm watching Kentucky play Michigan State, I don't want to hear about Duke. Or UNC, or Indiana (well, maybe IU) or Kansas or Gonzaga or Duke or Creighton or friggin' Duke. I don't want to hear about where you had dinner or how you stayed at a Holiday Inn Express last night, either. Unfortunately, you always talk about these things loudly, probably to hear yourself over the roar of all the people around the country yelling at you through their Big Ass HDTV's for you to TALK ABOUT THE GAME!
  
  
• Learn how to pronounce the players' names.
  
  I know this can be hard, and I know there are a lot of names that you say in the course of a week, much less a season. I know you do many games, and I know some of them involve teams that don't get on TV very often. But you should learn how to pronounce each and every one of their names correctly. It's disrespectful when you don't, and it drives that team's fans batty.
  
  
• Don't pretend to be something you're not or know things you don't.
  
  You are a color commentator. If you were a super genius coach, you'd be coaching. Don't claim the coach is making a huge mistake. You sound like a blow-hard when you do that. (Much like I sound as I write this - damn.) Maybe the coach knows something you don't, like that one of his players was puking in the locker room at halftime or tweaked an ankle on the last possession or has a look in his eye that tells the coach no way the player misses the big shot. It's fine to say that you don't know why a coach doesn't try this, that it might work, but saying the coach is flat wrong is disrespectful. Billy Packer, please read that paragraph again. Print it out and ask someone to explain it to you if necessary.
  
  
• Highlight stats instead of filtering them.
  
  This is more of a basketball thing. Right before the start of the second half, the TV screen typically fills with a grid of team stats from the first half so the wonks can talk about them. That's a good thing, but they are forever just showing about 4 - 5 lines of numbers, and it changes all the time to show what they want to highlight. Well, how about highlighting the numbers you want me to pay attention to without filtering out the ones I might be interested in that you don't have anything to say about. Drives me batty. Use a smaller font for the non-highlighted ones if you must, but put them on the screen somewhere. Don't assume I don't care about them. I love them. The same goes for a player's stat line. If you're showing me that Marco Killingsworth has contributed positively by scoring 18 points on 7-8 shooting (but only 5-9 from the free throw line) with 6 rebounds, you might as well put up there that he has 5 turnovers, too (3 on inexplicably dropped balls in the first 1:42 of the game). It gives me a more complete picture of his game.
  
  
• Always, always show me a point guard's turnovers with his assists.
  
  You might think this should get lumped in with the above stuff, but I think it gets a line of it's own. Under no circumstances should you expect me to be impressed that a point guard averages 8.3 assists per game if he has more than 8.3 turnovers. Really, those assist numbers without the turnovers are useless for a point guard. Hell, show them for everybody. You can make arguments that they aren't necessary for players at other positions, but I'm not buying it (see point above about wanting complete stat lines). At least get it right for the point guards, though.

I'm totally out of steam. I know there's more that Lawton and I have discussed over the years, but I haven't collaborated on this with him before posting it. Feel free to add your own in the comments. If you have a Big Ass HDTV, you can just holler at it. I'm sure the networks will hear you.

Back in the Saddle

Without really intending to, I turned my Christmas vacation from work into a Christmas vacation from the blog. As this glorious vacation peters out (tee hee -- I said "peters"), I thought I would wish you all a happy new year. I hope the last couple of weeks have been quite pleasant for you despite not having the random ramblings of a dude with a 3-letter nickname to divert you.

I have all these grandiose ideas of things to write to kick off the new year, from a highlight reel of 2005 to a by the numbers look at the past annum to a frank disclosure of the goals for the new year (assuming I can come up with some). But those things all seem like they'll take quite a bit of time AND effort, making them less than likely.

So instead, let me just wish you a happy new year for now. May 2006 bring you a full complement of things that don't suck.