Pitching Woo

As Dan Aykroyd said in Ghostbusters, "Listen. Do you smell something?" You may not be able to smell it, but there is an aroma on the air. You have to try to catch it. It is the smell of portable grills, fried chicken, beer, bourbon, body paint, manicured grass, hope, pain, and struggle. In short, it is the smell of pigskin, and the football season approaches. While I am eagerly anticipating the start of football season and the merciful end to the Sports Doldrums that it brings (my Wahoos have their home opener this Saturday!), I find myself looking at another sport to help explain today's musings. It's something that Lawton and I have kicked around for years. We've both talked about it with lots of other guys. But it's not unique to us. I think tons of guys have considered this metaphor over the years, at least in passing. It seeks to categorize the skills of guys in dating world. It's really quite simple. The dating world is baseball, and guys are pitchers.

There's no question about it. Sure, this doesn't apply to everyone, but it generally works for hetero interaction initiated by the guy. Typically, guys can be broken down into three groups: starters, middle/long relievers, and closers.

Starters
In baseball, starters are typically the most talented pitchers on the staff, and they have the best stuff. They can usually throw three or four different pitches. They have the arm strength and the stamina to last into the late innings. They bring a solid game almost every time out.

In the dating world, the starters are very much the same. They are often good looking, charismatic, or charming. The best starters -- the Cy Young winners -- are usually all of those things. They are quite good at making initial contact with women, either alone or in a group. The key to that is that they can change up their approach depending on the situation. They can chat up a girl standing alone in a bar or introduce their friends to a group of girls out for the evening. Their good looks and/or charm are a big help there. Whether they have to work the eye contact or put a witty opening line into play, they can handle it. They are excellent flirters, and they know the right questions to ask. And no matter what happens, they're ready to take the mound again at the beginning of the next night out, regardless of whether they scored or got shot down the last time.

The best starters can last into the late innings, putting in the necessary work over time. They are the most likely group to manage to pitch a complete game and take the girl home, end up dating her, or some other desirable thing. If they're lucky, though, when they get into a little trouble, they'll have a middle reliever nearby to help them bring home the victory.

Middle/Long Relievers
In baseball, middle relievers are firemen. They come in during the middle innings when the starter gets in a jam and methodically work their way out of it. The largest part of their success comes from the change of style, as no two pitchers really bring the same stuff. If the opposing team had gotten to the starter, it will take some time to adjust to the middle reliever's style. The new pitcher throws the batters off a little bit. Middle relievers are talented pitchers by their own right, and they are also called long relievers because they can work several innings if necessary. However, they are the forgotten men in the pitching staff because they are rarely on the mound at the beginning or the end of the game. Once in a great while, a middle reliever will finish a game. Middle relievers are also sometimes pressed into starting duty, usually due to an injury or other absence of a normal starter. They can have some limited success in this role, but not for long, and usually only setting things up for a closer. They almost never pitch a complete game.

In dating, middle relievers work the same way. They come in to save the situation when the starter gets in trouble. The middle relievers are typically good conversationalists. They can talk to girls. Unlike starters, who mostly ask girls questions, middle relievers actively participate in the conversation, taking some of the burden off of the girls. That is the change of style that throws the girls off just a little bit. The middle relievers can often keep this up for a while. Make no mistake, though. The girls are rarely interested in the middle relievers, probably because they talk too much. Furthermore, middle relievers are terrible at flirting. They just don't really grasp the concept. They think their conversation is flirtatious, but they are wrong. Every now and then, a middle reliever will parlay the change of pace he brings into a victory of his own. It's rare, though, and it often happens when he lucks into a good bit of flirting that he couldn't possibly recreate if you paid him. In a small breakdown of the metaphor, the middle reliever often hands the game back over to the starter when his work is done. However, just as often, a closer is brought in to finish the game.

Because of their firefighting abilities and their knack for conversation, middle relievers are the best wingmen in the world. They smooth things over when the starter fatigues, runs out of questions to ask, starts looking at other women, etc. They can also occasionally make a start to introduce their boys to a group of girls. They can hold down a conversation with the friend of a girl a starter is battling, and sometimes they just make the starter look better by being who they are.

Closers
Closers in baseball are just what they sound like. They slam the door on the other team and secure the victory. They are often live-armed fireballers who bring the heat. They work fast and don't waste any time. You rarely see a closer use a full wind-up, instead efficiently pitching from the stretch. There are also some breaking ball and changeup closers, but they are less common. Those guys are sneaky good, though.

In dating, the closers come in late in the game, take girls home, and have sex with them. Occasionally, they end up dating a girl, but it's uncommon. That's usually left to the starters and middle relievers. It's all about the quick hitter for the closers. They are typically the best looking, most charismatic guys around, but they have no patience for prolonged interaction. They want to get to the endgame quickly. That's why they rarely work without a good starter or middle reliever or, ideally, both. They come in with some jokes, some shots, a charming smile, a roofie -- whatever -- and finish the job. The best ones only get into trouble if they are pressed into action too early. Their stuff often doesn't hold up over time. There are a few guys who are closers that you just can't figure out. They're not especially good looking or charming, but they have something that works for them. They are the breaking ball and changeup closers of the dating world. They have a stealth mack that just works.

There are a couple of important things to note here (thanks, Lawton). In the dating world, there really aren't any managers (with a couple of exceptions that aren't all that important). As a result, starters and relievers often end up trying things they would never do if a manger was running the show. Also, a guy/pitcher almost never has a home game in the dating world. Finally, most non-closers have a grudging respect for closers. The respect is because they all wish they could be closers, and the grudging is because their envy inspires them to hate the closers and consider them punk bitches who don't have to do any work.

Feel free to tell me I'm wrong, but it will take some convincing. The dating world is baseball, and guys are the pitchers. All you guys who read this were thinking about which type of pitcher you are. You girls have been thinking about guys you've dated and where they fit in. The metaphor probably needs some fine tuning, but the broad strokes are dead on. Discuss amongst yourselves.

Oh, for those of you who have to ask, I'm a middle reliever.