Much Better Now

I'm feeling much better, thanks. No longer am I reduced to a sniffling, constantly nose-blowing, mouth-breathing, sleigh-guiding kleenex reaper and snot generator. However, the after effects are less than pleasing. My nose is far less red now. In fact, I'm impressed at how quickly my proboscis regained its natural color. However, all that kleenex abuse was not good for the outside of my nose, and it got rubbed a little raw. In fact, as it goes about its healing process, there patches of flaky, white, clearly dead skin all over my nostrils. They are not at all flattering. I thought I might be able to get them to fall off with a bit of rubbing, but no such luck. I mean, I thought dead skin could easily be removed that way, but this stuff is glued on there. So instead of looking like someone who is sick and uncomfortable to the point of having a raw, red schnoz, I look like someone with poor attention to detail in the hygiene department. It looks like I have dried snot all over my nose. This look is understandable on a 4 year-old whose mother is not near. A dude in his 30's has a harder time pulling it off, though.

Thankfully, I feel better. Looking better? Not so much.

Be Vewy, Vewy, Quiet ...

... I'm hunting kleenexes.

I know I've been unusually reticent over the past week, and for that I'm sorry. I actually thought I would take some of the long weekend to write a couple of posts I'd been sort of thinking about for a while, but I didn't get around to it. The reason for that (aside from my usual tendencies toward procrastination and laziness) is that I've been a bit under the weather. It's not a huge deal, but I haven't felt like talking to anyone or typing anything. Besides, both are kind of tough when one is blowing his nose every 7.4 seconds. And even though I have used those tissues with the lotion in them to ease the damage to my nose, I find it to be a fairly bright red as a result of the abuse.

So please pardon my silence, but once I find some more tissues, I'm going to see if Santa has any open sleigh-guiding positions.

Head-butting Cement

I realize there are some of you out there who don't realize it, but college basketball season is ramping up. Well, that's not really true. It's just kind of trickling in, but there are official games going on these days. I watched at least 3 games this week that I didn't care a lick about just because they were on. It's a marvelous thing. College hoops is without question the best sport in the land. Moreover, there is optimism in Hoosierdom about IU's chances this year. So it's safe to say that I'm a little excited about it.

Part of the way I prepare for each season is by purchasing ESPN's Full Court package. That way, I can see all of the Hoosiers' games (except for those incredibly irritating circumstances when they're on CBS regional coverage on Sunday afternoon and they get preempted locally for the Terps -- the TERPS!). So I called up my friendly Comcast people on Monday night, which led to the following exchange:

Me: I'd like to buy the ESPN Full Court package.
Comcast guy: Sure thing. I can set that up for you. Let's see here ... ESPN ... there it is, ESPN Game Plan.
Me: Uhhhhh, no. The Game Plan is college football. I'm talking about Full Court. That's college BASKETball.
Comcast guy: Oh. Well, we don't carry that.
Me: [Opting not to tell him not to tell me my business while telling him his] You have for the past 8 years. Because I've bought it every year.
Comcast guy: From Comcast?
Me: Yes.
Comcast guy: In THIS area?!
Me: Yes.
Comcast guy: Well, the only basketball package we have here is NBA League Pass. Do you want that?
Me: NO! Never! Definitely not.
Comcast guy: Well that's all we have right now. [Remembering something] But I think the Full Court starts in December.
Me: [Again, refraining from suggesting he not tell me my business. Also, not pointing out that this last statement flies in the face of "we don't carry that."] According to their website, it starts on November 19th.
Comcast guy: Well, I don't have it available to sell it to you. But I'm putting in your request for it.
Me: So I should just call back to see if it's available?
Comcast guy: Yes. Give it a few days and call back around the 15th.
Me: [Debates whether to point out that it is currently Monday, the 14th.] OK. Thanks for your help. [Hangs up]

So that didn't go at all how I'd planned. However, true to my word, I tried again yesterday (Thursday):

Me: I'd like to purchase the ESPN Full Court college basketball package.
Comcast gal: Let's see ... ESPN ... We don't have that. We only have the NBA package for basketball.
Me: But you carry this every year.
Comcast gal: Full Court doesn't start until late November or early December. You could check back then.
[This exchange repeats a few times, with each of us saying the same thing a different way.]
Me: [Wondering why these people insist on telling me my business and wondering how many times one has to call and not be wrong to have them flag my account with "Not a Complete Idiot" ] According to their website, it starts on November 19th. And there's a game I really want to see on November 21st. DirecTV has it available at this point. Are you suggesting that might be a better option for my TV service?
Comcast gal: All I'm saying is that our marketing people haven't made it available to us to sell yet. So it's not in the system.
Me: I understand. [And I do, but it's hard for me to deal with the fact that marketing people might spoil the beginning of my college hoops season.] Bummer. Well, would you please put in my request for this package ASAP?
Comcast gal: It's not available yet, sir. It's not in the system.
Me: I understand you loud and clear. What I'm hoping is that we can pass my request on so that the Comcast marketing people get on the stick and make it available.
Comcast gal: It's not available, sir.
Me: [Trying to avoid becoming angry and wondering if I'm speaking to a real person] Should I just call back later?
Comcast gal: That's probably a good idea.

As you might have guessed, I was a little frustrated. However, I've been through this sort of thing with them before. Lawton and I called them every month for two years trying to get digital cable and high speed internet access or at least trying to find out when it would be available, met every time with explanations that the computer showed "people working in your area right now." They really didn't understand when we asked, "Yes, but does it show them ever finishing the work in our area?" Polite always, but completely ignorant were they. So I was prepared to call every day until it was available, recognizing I might be better off finding that Sisyphus guy and offering to help him out with his rock.

So I called back today, and I was stunned when the Comcast guy (clearly my favorite Comcast guy of all time) immediately told me that the Full Court package was available. No telling me my business, no arguing about when it starts. Just good news. He seemed a little taken aback at my incredulity, and he kind of chuckled when I said, "Really?! It wasn't available yesterday." However, 5 minutes later I was allegedly all set. O frabjous day! Callooh! Callay!

On that happy note, I'm done here. I hope I've paved the road for you with your TV provider, whoever it may be. If not, I hope that you don't have to make more than 3 calls to get your hoop on.

Have a great weekend and Go Hoosiers!

Rolling through the Afternoon

As the various activities and sports leagues I take part in (golf, softball, basketball, football) to make myself a little more active succumb to the impending seasonal change and hostile weather, I find myself thinking that I need to get back to the gym. While I'm at it, it would be good to make sure I'm eating more healthily, too. With that in mind, I ate the hell out of a ginormous chicken parm sub at lunch today, and I'm now uncomfortably full and wondering how I'm going to make it through my afternoon. Maybe everything will be okay if I don't have to get off of my chair. It does have wheels that could conceivably allow me to roll everywhere. I remember reading something somewhere about building accessibility that should help me out. Better yet, maybe I'll just call in the Oompa Loompas to roll my fat ass from place to place. Anyone know how to get in touch with them?

The Dangers of the Well

I think many of you have, at one point or another, gone back to the well. You know how it is. You break up with your significant other. Maybe it ends badly, mabye it ends well. Either way, somewhere down the road, communication restarts. You remember that the other person wasn't all bad. There are lots of good things about that person. Sure, he or she may have had a tendency to clip toenails over your bowl of cereal, hurl objects at you at unusual times, or even sleep with your friends. But that was before. This person seems different now. And let's be honest: you're not getting any, and you could go for a good roll in the hay. That wasn't so bad before, was it? Somehow, a get-together is arranged. Maybe it's an innocuous lunch at first. But that turns into drinks later in the week or even dinner. Hell, maybe you get a booty call that you just can't turn down. But it's dangerous to go back to the well. What? You don't believe me? Just ask this guy.

If you don't want to read that article, the short version is that a guy accepted an invitation to an ex-girlfriend's place some months after they broke up. Whatever happened while he was there, he somehow ended up falling asleep, and when he woke up she "had used Super Glue to stick his genitals to his abdomen, glued his buttocks together and spelled out a profanity on his back in nail polish." Not good times.

Maybe we're an overly litigious society, and the guy should be embarrassed about being snookered instead of suing. But I don't care about that. There are two things that stand out to me in this article. The first is that the girl "invited him over to her home on May 7, 2000, where he fell asleep." He just went over there and fell asleep. This sort of thing happens every day. I don't know about you, but I don't often fall asleep when I'm just visiting people. I guess we're supposed to read between the lines.

But my favorite part -- by far -- was that the girl's attorney reportedly said "it was a consensual act." I don't know if there's a legal definition of consent that I don't understand, but I'm thinking that it's a stretch that consent was given to use glue to stick a man's package to his belly and his butt cheeks together.

So think about Kenneth Slaby the next time you go for that booty call, because there be danger in going back to the well. And if you do go back, definitely don't go to sleep.