The Week That Things Changed

I'm bringing you this new installment in the Chronicles of Abs whether you like it or not. Think of it as my Christmas letter. Sure, Christmas was just over four months ago, but things like "deadlines" and "calendars" hold no sway over me. Of course, I realize that some of you may be questioning me already: "New installment? I never received any old installments," you might be thinking. Some of you may even be saying it right out loud to your computer screens. You might be right to think that way, too, as this is the first installment of the Chronicles that I have ever written. However -- and I want to be very clear on this -- that lack of prior editions doesn't change the fact that this particular installment is new. One could argue that the newness of this section of the Chronicles is only emphasized by the lack of old ones, but I'm not in the mood to argue right now. However, I should point out that your reading of this installment implicitly acknowledges that I provide no warranty on its contents, nor can I be held liable for any damage, emotional or otherwise, that may be caused by this installment's contents.

Moving right along, with this being the first (and perhaps only) installment in the Chronicles of Abs, it might make sense for me to explain the point of the Chronicles. BUT, that doesn't seem like such an interesting thing to write, so I'm just going to jump in and swim around. So I guess I'm sort of like James Joyce, without the talent.

That said, I want to tell you that I find myself at the end of a momentous week. Why, you ask? The reason is that Things Changed for The Kid this week. Most of the time, one week is like any other, with the most drastic changes involving the number of times I play golf (1 so far) and the number of Diet Cokes I drink (I can't possibly keep count of them). This week, however, I made Things Change, and I think we can all view that as a Good Thing. (Please don't be disturbed by my slightly unorthodox use of capital letters. Call it Engineer's License if you must.) Of course, this version of Things Changing is not like the Berlin Wall coming down or the end of the Cold War, but it's more relevant to me.

I was thinking I needed to shake things up a bit. I was thinking that I needed to present a new face to the world. Some of you apparently sometimes feel the same way, and end up getting married and raising children. In fact, I have often enjoyed taking part in and/or witnessing your versions of Things Changing. Of course, my version is not one of those things (much to the chagrin of Mama Abs). However, I think you will find that my version is just one notch below those. I hope you are sitting down, because I am (finally) going to share my news with you: I shaved off my goatee.

Yes. I'm serious. Yes. It's really gone. Please allow yourselves a moment to let this information sink in.

This week, I face the world clean-shaven, hoping that the facial hair was not the source of all my powers -- whatever they may be. (Rest assured, that this was not a Samson and Delilah type of thing. There is no Delilah equivalent in this particular story. Besides, even if there was, I wouldn't let that conniving Philistine strumpet near my hair.) This week, I know that not being able to see my chin for 8 years did not make it cease to exist. This week, my chin feels a little chilly from time to time. This week, I look distinctly younger than I did with the goatee. This week, I keep wondering who the guy peering at me out of mirrored surfaces is. Next week, I will likely start growing the goatee again, because I don't like the way that guy in the mirrored surfaces looks. However, this week it's safe to say that Things Changed.

[Editor's note: The goatee was actually shaved off last week, but procrastination took over, and this message didn't get written until now. As an update, the re-growth of the goatee has not yet commenced, and no decisions have been made about the long-term viability of the clean-shaven version of Abs, but he still doesn’t like the way the guy looking out of mirrored surfaces looks. Also, for those of you who already knew about this … sorry.]